Here Brucey Brucey!

Whenever Jaws is mentioned, what comes to mind? Is it John Williams’s score? The image of a giant shark about to eat someone? Maybe even the odd line or two, often misquoted? I’d say all of those combined, but there’s also the uncomfortable elephant in the room:

I don’t consider Jaws one of the best action movies ever made.

It’s not terrible. A recent rewatch made me enjoy it more than I initially did. As for directors, even Steven Spielberg’s trash is more entertaining than most. I think Jaws was a perfect fit for him, showing off his eye for visual storytelling despite the problems Bruce, the shark prop, posed. But in terms of pure spectacle, he’s done better since.

Some of you are rolling your eyes now, and I get it. Why am I scrutinizing this movie for not meeting modern sensibilities? After all, it was already 15 years old when I was born, and technology has progressed significantly! But while true, being a classic doesn’t excuse something from criticism. If you want proof, read some my pieces on other movies from the same director.

I could spend forever deconstructing little details I find silly. Like how the mayor of Amity is a dimwit with blood on his hands. Or how Alex and Chrissy’s deaths are big plot points in the first-half, yet that dog from the first beach scene is never properly mourned. Or how the ending’s hilariously-schlocky and over-the-top, a key feature of Spielberg productions. All of these are funny, some more than others, but they don’t hold back the experience.

No, the real issue is the inconsistent pacing. I have nothing wrong with length. I even wrote a piece defending that! But while it doesn’t bother me, economically-inefficient storytelling does. And Jaws is a 2+ hour experience that doesn’t warrant its length. This is despite its limitations.

For example, the movie didn’t need three beach deaths. I understand Chrissy’s death, as she’s the inciting incident, and Alex’s too, but once it became clear that a man-eating shark was loose in the water the beaches should’ve closed and the hunt begun. Yes, the third beach attack highlights the folly of politicians, prioritizing selfishness, but shark attack #3 is an elaborate extension of shark attack #2, complete with an unnecessary fake-out.

Then there’s the gutting of the tiger shark. I understand that it’s a red herring, indicating that people are susceptible to false alarms, but it drags on. The movie makes a huge fuss as well, leading to shark attack #3, but I think it could’ve been cut down. It didn’t need to be a major plot point, and it brings the first half of the movie to a minor halt. It’s also resolved too quickly, with it never being brought up again.

Perhaps the biggest issues come in the second half. That’s where the main trio hunt for the shark. Again, I know filming had to accommodate a non-functioning prop, but it feels like a lot of the scenes are delaying the inevitable action moments. Even then, they go on for too long, with last-minute decisions that only serve to set up the finale. Even Williams’s score, which works in harrowing moments, transitions to lighthearted in the more triumphant moments. It get why, but it doesn’t work for me.

The dinner scene in the third-act, where the trio flesh out their characters, is way too long. What’s the point of showing scars? Does it serve a purpose, other than highlighting Hooper and Quint’s egos? And the song Hooper, Quint and Brody sing is catchy, but I doubt it’s necessary. Though that’s nitpicking.

Really though, this movie could’ve been tightened. If Jaws had shaved 15-20 minutes off its runtime, most in the second half, I’d have been more on board. As it stands, it feels way too long, simply because of the pacing. And yes, to reiterate, I know the movie was working with a malfunctioning shark prop. But there’s working with limitations, and there’s unnecessary padding, and this movie has both.

I wouldn’t be as frustrated if Spielberg hadn’t perfected suspense 18 years later with Jurassic Park. Like Jaws, that movie’s a victim of hokeyness, padding and red herrings. Unlike Jaws, the movie has unresolved plot threads, some of which aren’t referenced again. Yet while both movies share similar issues, Jurassic Park captures suspense and terror more-efficiently. CGI in 1993 was in its relative infancy, so, like with Bruce the Shark, Spielberg had to work with limitations. And he pulled it off by keeping the suspense and tension consistent in the second half.

This isn’t to demean the impact of Jaws, both for action movies and Spielberg’s career. It was huge in 1975, and its ripple effects can be felt in the way Summer blockbusters, particularly monster movies, are made now. Yet despite being enjoyable in 2024, even more than I remembered, I can’t call it one of Spielberg’s best. It’s not one of his worst either, but you get the picture. Besides, the behind-the-scenes of Jaws makes for the better movie, and I’m anxiously waiting on that to happen!

Folly and Boo

Joker left me with many negative feelings. It’s not only the last movie I saw with my late-Zaidy, it’s also one of the last movies I saw in theatres before the pandemic hit. Additionally, it was a mega-phenomenon despite not being that good, even earning Joaquin Phoenix an Oscar win. So now that its sequel has a trailer, I have to wonder if people understand what they’re in for. Especially given how confusing said trailer is.

I don’t hate anyone for being excited. I’ve been excited about plenty of movies other people weren’t, and I was on-board with Joker before I discovered what it was about. If Joker: Folie à Deux’s up your alley, that’s your prerogative. My goal’s to give a take on a sequel to something that not only didn’t impress me, but actively infuriated me. Okay? Good.

To start, let’s talk about Joker. Despite being annoyed, I enjoyed Joaquin Phoenix’s portrayal of Arthur. I thought the material he had was garbage, but Phoenix is one of those actors who can make trash work. Every line, down to the mind-numbingly awful ones, was given believability because of him, and even scenes he improvised, like his slow dance following the murders on the subway, have enough poise to distract from everything else. If all else, Phoenix made this movie.

That said, Arthur’s an awfully-written character. I know the conceit is to show how society stigmatizes mental illnesses, but some of the decisions Arthur makes are embarrassing. At one point he states that he’s “stopped taking his meds”, saying he’s “never felt better”. As someone who briefly went off his meds in university, I guarantee you that the increase in appetite and brief bursts in energy weren’t worth the self-loathing and aggression that followed. Not since childhood had I been that vicious and nasty, and I fail to see how this movie romanticizing such a decision curries Arthur’s sympathies.

Additionally, Arthur’s…scary. And not in a sympathetic or clever way. I know he has an uncontrollable laugh, and that life hates him, but the difference between being miserable and controlling what you can is what creates sympathy. I know people, some personally, who’ve had plenty of awful thrown their way, giving them every excuse to be curmudgeons, and have taken this as an opportunity for growth. Perhaps they were blessed with excellent supports, but-wait, no. Even people I know who’ve taken their lives had tried being positive until the end, and this is despite their support circles. Having mental illness is an unfortunate problem, but being a monster is a choice.

Arthur fails to take control of his life, using each misgiving as an opportunity for revenge. When the businessmen mock him on the subway, he shoots them. When his colleague demeans him at work, he later kills him by stabbing him and ramming his head against a wall. Even Murray, the late-night host who mocks Arthur on TV, gets shot on air. The one person Arthur shows compassion to, a dwarf colleague, is infantilized. Arthur might be mentally-ill, but he’s not sympathetic.

When I initially ripped Joker apart, a lot of people misunderstood my intentions. It remains one of my more-popular pieces on The Whitly-Verse, right up there with my rant about Korrasami. I want to set the record straight: I dislike Joker vehemently. It’s a sloppily-written mess with a crappy lead, even if Phoenix elevates the material. It’s also insulting to people with mental health issues, and it’s an exercise in making me feel angry and guilty for feeling angry simultaneously. It’s not the worst movie I’ve seen, as it’s also uninteresting, but that doesn’t make me less annoyed.

I’m, therefore, not looking forward to Joker: Folie à Deux, as it looks to be doubling down on what I disliked about the original: a mentally-ill protagonist using their lot in life as a violence vehicle? Check. A love interest who exploits that? Check. A movie masking its lack of worthwhile commentary with ill-timed musical numbers? Double check.

Seriously, why’s this a musical? It’s possible there was mis-marketing with the trailer, but I’m not convinced Joker: Folie à Deux would benefit from being a musical any more than the first movie benefitted from being set in the 1980’s. Especially when the song choices shown so far are low-grade cover numbers from better movies. I’m sure Todd Phillips has something in mind with this, but I’m not sold. But there’s always the possibility of me being proven wrong…

Even the one aspect sure to get people talking, Lady Gaga, has me raising eyebrows. And look, no disrespect to Lady Gaga. She’s a talented singer and, going by A Star Is Born, a decent actress. I also think this material suits her. But the one aspect that’d work in this movie’s favour, having her manipulate Arthur in a subversion of the relationship between Joker and Harley, doesn’t seem like it’ll be fully-realized since it’s too sophisticated and clever for this franchise. Again, I could be proven wrong.

I’m not sure Joker: Folie à Deux even understands what made the original a phenomenon: the origins of one of DC’s greatest supervillains. I’m not against this in theory either, similarly to how I wasn’t against Joker in theory. But if you’re going to double down on the ideas of the original, awful as they were, you need to go full-on. You also need to have teeth with bite, something I doubt this movie will. That’s what I’m concerned about.

Again, I don’t want to diminish the anticipation of those looking forward to Joker: Folie à Deux. The world’s dark and scary at times, and movies, even awful ones, provide escapism. Considering The US is also in the middle of preparing for a major election, one with real stakes, a brief distraction from that isn’t unwarranted. But that doesn’t mean that I have to be excited. Because I’m not, and it’s important that people not misconstrue that…even if there’s a chance it’ll happen anyway.

Princess Peach Transforms!

Princess Peach: Showtime! has been out for a bit, and the reactions have been…mostly positive, but also mixed. But I’ve already shared my thoughts. Instead, I’d like to rank the different costumes in the game. They’re all neat and have different strengths, so nothing I say is a personal attack on these concepts. I’m also only mentioning the 10 main costumes, discounting the one for the final boss. Finally, there’ll be minor spoilers, as it’s been long enough.

Anyway, let’s begin!

10. Patisserie Peach:

One of two modes in the demo, Patisserie Peach is my least-favourite costume. It’s not “bad”, but since baking’s the entire gimmick, you’d think there’d be more here than making cookies and decorating cakes within a time limit. But that’s exactly it. And even as an dabbler in baking myself, I don’t find this too inspired. Especially when it feels like this game’s answer to the Mario Party franchise.

I should double down on how this isn’t bad, though. For one, it takes a laid-back approach to Peach’s heroism. For another, it’s fun. Despite the cookie-making being rote, you have to mash X the right amount of times, seeing the final product is satisfying. The same goes for the cake decorating, even if I’ve yet to master laying down the icing.

The boss for Patisserie Peach is equally unique, constantly sabotaging your cookie making efforts while filling its own trays with them. You not only have to time your cookies, you also have to make sure the boss doesn’t land on and destroy them. It’s a game of multitasking, in other words. It’s also one of the few instances where the game could be considered “difficult”, with Peach losing hearts when she fails. Make of that what you will.

9. Figure Skater Peach:

The gimmick with niche appeal, Figure Skater Peach is also wonky control-wise. It works fine (mostly), but the figure skating to defeat enemies leaves plenty to be desired. Perhaps it’s that the conceit is about jumping and twirling. Or because the ice mechanics are too sensitive. Either way, I guess that’s accurate to in real life?

Once you get past the initial learning curve, it’s not that bad. It’s actually kind of fun! The best part is attempting the cool tricks you can pull off, like real figure skating, and seeing how they land. It not only allows for trial-and-error, it also taps into the skill needed to master the jumps and twirls. Even the secret areas require precision, adding some challenge. I like that.

The boss fights, where you must outperform your opponent and knock them off-guard, feed into the inexperience VS mastery component too. If you don’t time your twirls properly, even for a second, you’re not going to get far. And once you’ve recovered the Sparkle allies, you must skate a perfect circle around the boss and stun them. It’s glamorous, it’s unique, and it’s exciting! It’s exactly what I’d expect here, even if there are hiccups.

8. Cowgirl Peach:

It isn’t a romp without Cowgirl Peach! Set amidst a cliché Western, you have Peach’s trusty lasso and horse trotting through town. Like Figure Skater Peach, it leaves a lot to be desired. Unlike Figure Skater Peach, the controls aren’t difficult to master. All you need to know are how to jump and use your lasso. That’s it.

Cowgirl Peach throws a lot at you, and all at once. Not only is there lots of auto-scrolling, there are also many timed actions. In one instance, Peach has to get out of the way or she’ll be hit by a falling wall. In another instance, she has to yank a lever to prevent the captured Sparkle from being run over. Get it wrong, and you lose a heart.

It sounds like I’m complaining too much, but Cowgirl Peach is pretty fun! Despite the auto-scrolling and timed commands being frustrating, you still feel like you’re an old-timey cowgirl restoring justice! Plus, that horse is a masterwork of game design. It looks fake, yet steals the show anyway. I want to pet it!

7. Detective Peach:

Princess Peach: Showtime! uses one of its plays to ask, “What if Peach were a detective?”. And for the most part, it works! Granted, like the previous entries, the concept outweighs the execution, but that’s not to detract from the “Sherlock Holmes meets Ace Attorney” premise. It’s also slower-paced than other plays and has no action, forcing you to rely on your intuition. Or, rather, what this game considers intuition.

I appreciate the attempt at being different. Detective Peach is something I didn’t think I wanted, but not only is it utilized well, it’s even, at times, pretty funny. The stakes aren’t terribly high, they mostly rely on cliché premises, but the execution matters more. Who doesn’t want to see Peach snoop around and make funny pointing accusations? I do!

The one complaint I have is that Peach’s “Strike of Intuition”, where she points at something and shouts “Aha!”, isn’t terribly inspired. That, and you lose hearts for deducing incorrectly. Considering that Peach doesn’t follow her pointing with a statement, it also feels…wanting. It makes me wish there was more here than the bare-bones. But I guess little girls don’t care, and they’re the target audience.

6. Mermaid Peach:

Arguably the most “girly” concept in the game, Mermaid Peach actually lives up to its potential. The premise here is that Peach, being a mermaid, doesn’t fight. Instead, she uses her singing voice to control fish and get them to do her dirty work. It helps that this is perfect for Peach, given her lovely, flowery voice. And make no mistake, she can sing!

Of all the gimmicks in this game, Mermaid Peach is the most bare-bones conceptually. That’s not an insult, as “singing mermaid” needn’t be complicated. It’s also fun to see what hidden secrets can be unlocked with singing to fish, a sentence I never thought I’d write before playing this game. It even bucks the convention of water levels controlling poorly! What are the odds?

The part that holds it back is the concert at the end of each act. You have to sing in-sync with the direction the fish swim to line them up and make music. It’s not the most intuitive, especially since you have to pay attention and predict where the fish will go next. But hey! At least you get to hear Peach sing the acts off, right?

5. Dashing Thief Peach:

Now we get to one of the more interesting transformations. Dashing Thief Peach, contrary to the name suggesting, is less a Lupin III-type thief than a Robin Hood or Carmen Sandiego, as she steals back already stolen items. That doesn’t make her any less cool, though. Not only can she hack computers, she can hang from chandeliers and sneak around. And she can paraglide! Let’s not forget that.

This is one of the slickest outfits in Princess Peach: Showtime!. It’s also attached to one of the slickest plays. Even the Sparkle rescue is flipped on its head, with Peach working together with him to escape. It’s a nice bit of teamwork that’s absent from most of the plays, and it’s executed wonderfully. Plus, who doesn’t like paragliding? I’m acrophobic, and even I can’t resist!

To top everything off, Dashing Thief Peach oozes coolness: her design? Cool. Her level designs? Cool. Her escapes in her glider? You’d better believe they’re cool! It’s cool all around, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

4. Swordfighter Peach:

The other mode available in the demo, Swordfighter Peach is the most anime-inspired. Think Utena Tenjou, and you have a rough understanding of Swordfighter Peach. She slashes up, down, left and right with her sword, making quick work of enemies and vines. It’s not the most sophisticated, she swishes like she’s fencing, but it’s cool to see anyway. It’s also lots of fun watching enemies fly off the screen when stabbed.

There’s a lot to like. The most interesting part, however, is her actual design. You have her cowl, her boots, her captain’s hat, complete with a rose, and her sword. All of this would be fun enough, but Peach also has a dodging maneuver that allows her to evade attacks and jump on top of enemies. It takes a little bit of skill to pull off, but man is it ever satisfying! I keep getting a dopamine rush when I hear Peach shout “Leave it to me!” before flipping in the air and landing a perfect blow.

Swordfighter Peach is pure fun. Who doesn’t enjoy fighting bats, suits of armour and giant plant monsters with a sword? I do! It might be “monotonous” or “repetitive” to some, as other games “have done this better”, but remember that this is meant for young girls. In that sense, I think it does the trick. En garde!

3. Mighty Peach:

Mighty Peach is this game’s answer to the Mega Man franchise. It’s the most Super Sentai-esque costume design too, right down to the visor and super strength. I know we complain these days of “superhero fatigue”, but being a superhero is still one of the ultimate fantasies. Who doesn’t love picking up trucks with their hands and tossing them like confetti? Or flying in the air and punching enemies? I do!

This may be a dumb-downed version of a Mega Man game, in that it involves saving Sparkles, but it never wears out its welcome. There’s always something new to keep everything fresh, whether it be putting out fires or creating bridges. And when that gets boring? Time to fly. Like a traditional, side-scrolling shooter, Mighty Peach takes on enemies with her fists.

You know something? That’s the best part of Mighty Peach. Forget saving Sparkles, picking up trucks and throwing enemies saucers, Peach taking down enemies in the sky is the highlight. It doesn’t matter how big they are either, she can still punch her way through them with ease. I love it.

2. Kung Fu Peach:

Have you ever watched a Jackie Chan movie and thought, “This is awesome, but what if Princess Peach could do that?”? Well, think it no more! Here’s Kung Fu Peach! It was tough between this and my #1 spot, but Kung Fu Peach coming in 2nd place isn’t bad. If anything, it’s a testament to how unique the different costumes and plays are! Nowhere’s this more noticeable than in the punching, kicking, prop-breaking, pole-swinging, action-heavy experience of “Princess Peach in Ancient China”.

I’m not kidding. For all the weirdness this game offers, nothing’s more inspired than Princess Peach as a Kung Fu fighter. The controls are also really intuitive, with Peach only needing to know how to kick and jump. But that’s not a detriment to the experience, as the combo-less combos are nothing short of amazing. Seriously, watch Peach swing around a pole and kick enemies and not tell me that’s awesome. I dare you!

Even the boss fights are cool, using timed buttons presses to great effect. The fights pull these off without you realizing they’re quick-time events, a feature I normally despise. If the frequent pole twirling and props being destroyed weren’t enough, these boss fights easily sell you on the experience. Which begs the question: why haven’t we gotten a Princess Peach fighting game yet? She’s perfect for one!

1. Ninja Peach:

You knew this’d be my #1 choice. Not only is Princess Peach as a ninja assassin, right alongside dabbling in Kung Fu, a perfect fit for its own game, but it matches the general aesthetic of this one. Ignoring everything else, Princess Peach was born to be a ninja. She not only looks graceful in her movements, she has the stealth aspect down perfectly. Which is great because this play relies on sneaking up behind guards and taking them out. Forget Ninja Gaiden, Ninja Peach is where it’s at!

There’s so much about this setup that makes the game worth it. Whether it’s Peach’s wardrobe being awesome, or how she takes advantage of her surroundings with “camouflage”, Ninja Peach is the kind of idea that only Nintendo could approve of merging with a play. It helps that she can run on walls. Did I mention that she can run on walls? Because that’s a key part of the experience.

If that doesn’t pique your interest, Ninja Peach can also manipulate environments to confuse enemies. Like Kung Fu Peach, the scenery’s a big part of everything. Unlike Kung Fu Peach, utilizing the scenery requires stealth, which means spinning walls and dropping down on enemies. Even the boss requires a timed swipe during a confrontation with it and the rescued Sparkle. Couple that with a disco-themed stealth riff on the main motif, and you’ve got yourself a winner.

And there you go: my ranking of the different costumes in Princess Peach: Showtime!. Be sure to pick up and play the game, and I’ll see you next time!

Reviewers Being Peachy

I want to acknowledge upfront the irony of me complaining about a game for young girls. And I don’t mean that in the way you’d think. As indicated by previous pieces, I was looking forward to Princess Peach: Showtime!. And having played it, I was satisfied. My issue stems from something macrocosmic: the target audience here is little girls, but the people discussing this game are mostly adult males.

I’m all for reviewers having opinions. I’ve defended them on numerous occasions when it comes to movies, and my thoughts extend to video games. Additionally, I’ve learned to accept when a widely-praised game isn’t for me, as well as when something people were lukewarm on was. Given my last discussion of a video game talked about a flaw not normally discussed, I’m aware of what it means to be divided. Essentially, nothing I’m about to say is a personal attack.

Anyway, I watched The Completionist’s review of Princess Peach: Showtime!. In it, he laid down his frustrations, stating that while not bad, he was nevertheless disappointed. To be fair, I see where he’s coming from. But while I respect Jirard, I think he’s the wrong person to be reviewing the game fairly. And it’s not only him, I think most professional reviewers who’ve discussed it are the wrong demographic.

Despite the premise, Princess Peach: Showtime! is meant for girls. In particular, it’s meant for girls who are old enough to read and play video games, but young enough where this is still perfect for them. It isn’t overly-difficult, even if I struggled in a few places, but a 6 or 7 year-old would definitely find it challenging. In a sense, it’s the Switch’s modern-day answer to Yoshi’s Story, except better made. I think that needs acknowledging.

Additionally, a jaded male is the wrong perspective here. I respect Jirard, but his life experiences make him a bad candidate to be honest about Princess Peach: Showtime!. Really and truly, this game needs to be reviewed by a woman. Even if the overall sentiment’s still negative, at least that life experience clicks better. It’s as simple as that.

I think Girlfriend Reviews should take a crack at this game. I know the channel well, having watched many of their reviews, and Shelby seems like the perfect candidate. She’s a woman, for one, but she also struggles with most video games, usually describing her experiences via her partner. She even has the unique experience of being a casual gamer talking about video games through a cutesy and comedic lens, which works perfectly here. Shelby’s the kind of voice we need more of.

So why aren’t we seeing that? The obvious answer, unfortunately, is that sexism still prevails. It’s no secret that various companies, Nintendo included, have an issue with sexism, which extends to reviewing. It explains why so many people discussing this game are men. It also explains the uncomfortable feelings I’m experiencing with seeing and reading most of the reviews, however honest or upfront they are.

Besides, what’s wrong with a feminine perspective? My male privilege makes saying that sound forced, but having unique voices helps art criticism move forward. It’s especially true when the subject in question could benefit from it, in this case a play-themed video game starring Princess Peach. What better opportunity for a female theatre nerd to talk about this game? Who better than to shed light on it?

I guess that’s why I’ve stayed clear of certain subjects that lean female-centric before. I thought The Marvels was okay, but I’m not its target demographic. I respected the 2016 Ghostbusters, flaws and all, but I’m not its target demographic. And while I have appreciation for the impact Sailor Moon has made on anime-you get the picture. There are some topics where I don’t feel my voice is needed.

Princess Peach: Showtime! is being discussed by the wrong people right now. And yes, males are allowed to have thoughts. Personally, I was impressed! And yes, it’s true that not all women will be head-over-heels in-love with it either, because women aren’t monolithic. But until we get to hear them, we’ll never be able to have with an honest conversation.

Also, the game’s still new. And it needs time to resonate with everyone. I loved it myself, but that’s because it felt fresh and unique. I was happy playing a straightforward game without any external help in three nights, a rarity for me. But perhaps I’ll enjoy it more on replay, where I can appreciate the finer details? Who knows?!

This is what’s being missed in the initial reactions too: time. True, the game isn’t flawless, as evidenced by occasional frame-rate dips and some slight wonkiness of controls. But that’s offset by it being a relatively new experience. If this game clicks with its target demographic, and I hope it does, we could end up with a cult classic. That’s exciting, especially since the title character, Princess Peach, is so frequently overlooked!

However, before Peach can walk on her own, she needs to stumble and fall several times. And her accomplishments need to be acknowledged and respected by the right audience. Which is why people like Jirard, for all their insights, are the wrong demographic to discuss Princess Peach: Showtime!, as their honesty’s tainted by their experiences. Is it unfortunate? Yes, but it’s true.

I don’t mean to intentionally trash Jirard. He seems like a genuine and sincere individual, and he gets enough crap over his charity debacle. I also respect and admire his honesty, particularly in acknowledging that he’s the wrong audience for Princess Peach: Showtime!. But I think he’s the wrong person to be reviewing it, for the aforementioned reasons. He’s entitled to his opinions, but, as with all male reviewers, they should be taken with a grain of salt. Especially when a female perspective’s desperately needed!

Nickelodeon's Schneider Problem

(Warning: The following discusses unsettling content. Please read at your own risk.)

I like feet. In particular, I like women’s feet. But I try not being creepy about it, especially considering how many people have behaved themselves. I also set boundaries around my interest in them. I mention this because what I’m about to discuss is painful as a childhood sexual assault survivor.

I’m sure some of you are aware of the Dan Schneider documentary on Max. Being Canadian, I have no access to it, as we don’t get Max. However, the documentary, Quiet on Set: The Dark Side of Kids TV, exposes the relationship many former Nickelodeon stars allegedly had with Schneider growing up in television. None of this is “new”, Schneider’s weirdness was known for years, but the extent that he ruined people’s lives hasn’t been fully-documented before. And given the responses many of these former stars have shared, it’s worth getting their perspective.

I wasn’t big on live-action Nickelodeon as a kid. I preferred their animation, as it had more consistency in quality. I did occasionally watch All That! and The Amanda Show, however. They were weird and inconsistent, but they provided laughs. Yet even with the red flags, (the “show within a show”, Moody’s Point, had a subplot about the protagonist’s father’s toe), I was oblivious to what Amanda Bynes and her cast-mates were experiencing under Schneider.

Schneider’s foot fetishism has been an open secret for as long as he’s been with Nickelodeon. The company’s logo was a footprint! He’s also referenced it on social media frequently, such that people are well aware of it. Yet while that’s cause for concern, him taking advantage of child stars is the worst part. It’s no shock that Hollywood has consent issues, but pedophilia’s not something you’d want for developing minds.

To give a sense of how bad this was, Schneider had his female stars engage in weird antics with their feet. On iCarly, one of Nickelodeon’s most successful live-action sitcoms, actresses Miranda Cosgrove and Jeanette McCurdy frequently showed their bare feet, whether via “toe puppets” or biting feet. The situation was so bad that the iCarly revival had McCurdy absent despite being a big part of the original production. And given her memoir, that shouldn’t surprise anyone.

But it gets worse! In the show Victorious, not only were the leads dressed too maturely for their age, but Schneider’s foot fetishism was present in weird ways. In one instance, Ariana Grande shoved her foot in her mouth on camera. In another instance, Victoria Justice removed her boots and socks and shot a bow and arrow with her bare feet. Both instances would net views on sites like OnlyFans, but this was a sitcom. And these were teenagers. Never mind that the cast was reportedly uncomfortable with these “shenanigans”, it also didn’t help the show’s writing anyway.

And it gets worse still! If everything I’ve mentioned has made you uneasy, remember that it’s only a fraction of what transpired behind closed doors. Not only was Schneider making his stars behave provocatively on screen, he was also a nightmare to deal with. He’d routinely make inappropriate advances on his actresses, and at times he’d engage in sexual acts with them. I won’t go into detail, as it classifies as rape, but it begs the question: why was Dan Schneider fixated on exploiting these actresses when the internet exists? Google’s search engine doesn’t judge people for their kinks…

I wish I could say that it was only teenage girls that felt uncomfortable, but it wasn’t. Drake Bell-yes, that Drake Bell-has recently stated that he was sexually assaulted by his agent while under Schneider’s regime. It may not excuse his later allegations, but it puts them in context; after all, why not emulate the behaviour you saw firsthand? Hurt people hurt people.

Everything I’ve mentioned, though a fraction of what went on at Nickelodeon, puts into perspective how the network operated. And it wasn’t pretty. Because while this wasn’t known to the public for the longest time, it wasn’t a secret to those in the industry. Like Harvey Weinstein, I’m sure there were whistle blowers for years prior to this documentary. They simply weren’t listened to, or were blackballed.

No one’s saying you can’t work with or talk to children. Having relatives under the age of 10, I assure you they sometimes have unfiltered wisdom untainted by the harshness of life. Besides, they’re people! And like adults, kids are worthy of validation! Yet that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be respected, because they should. Especially since they can’t consent to sexual behaviour!

Additionally, I won’t stop you from having a foot fetish. So long as you’re not creepy about it, you do you. It’s a part of the body that doesn’t get enough respect anyway. But while what you do with your body is your business, what you do with someone else’s is a whole other beast. It requires consent, contrary to what pornography might led you to believe.

As for the former stars of Nickelodeon? While some of them might’ve not ended up being great people, I can’t help but feel bad for the abuses they went through. Because it clearly scarred them enough to share their stories. And while I’m glad Schneider’s out of the picture, he alone wasn’t the issue. If Drake Bell’s situation is indication, Schneider wasn’t the only bad egg.

It could be that I’m projecting. I’m a survivor of childhood sexual assault, something I’ve been open about before. At the same time, am I really projecting? The stories shared on Quiet on Set: The Dark Side of Kids TV are upsetting, and Schneider ruined people’s lives by having his weirdness unchecked. If that’s me “projecting”, then I should do it more often.

This is an example of why Hollywood needs to change. I know the industry recently resolved two strikes, but job stability and AI safeguards don’t override the toxic and coercive work environment that actors, most of them women, have endured. That needs remedying, and quickly. Otherwise, stories like Dan Schneider and Nickelodeon will persist. And do we want that?

Mario's Devious Trap

Ever have a classic video game that you adore, yet has a flaw preventing you from beating it? I’m sure many people do. Mine’s Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins. I love it to bits, but it has a feature preventing me from playing it for long. But before I explain why that is, I’ll mention everything I like about it first:

For starters, there’s the visual aesthetic. Looking at it now in 2024, it’s easy to see the simplicity. But for a Game Boy game in 1992, it was huge to have a Mario title as detailed as this one! Considering its direct predecessor was blocky, resembling an early NES title, to look like a scaled-down version of Super Mario World is great. It makes you appreciate how the handheld, restricted by portability and battery, could render everything. Respect for that alone.

I like how the game makes use of its sprites. It only introduces one new power-up, the Carrot, but you know Mario’s using it by sprouting rabbit ears and hovering. Even the other power-ups have signifiers to let you know Mario’s using them, including transitionary frames for Mario transforming or regressing from a power-up. It’s a neat workaround for a handheld lacking colour, and I wish more Mario games had utilized this. It’s also really charming to see Mario’s transition states.

Another element in this game’s favour is the overhaul of standard mechanics we’ve come to expect from other entries. Instead of using a flag as a checkpoint, Mario rings a bell. Coins, once the currency for extra lives, instead work as money that can be used at the in-game bank. And while I’m not sure what it does, the game has a Goomba counter for enemies you’ve killed. For someone with OCD, this is neat to track.

The game has a pretty sophisticated over-world. Not only is each area rendered with a unique cutscene upon entry, which was a revolutionary for a Game Boy game in 1992, it’s also non-linear. You can traverse the 6 Zones out of order, making for a game of memorization of what you’ve completed. Even the different Zones are have unique designs and layouts, with plenty going on. I admire the attention to detail.

I can’t forget the musical motif. Not only is it memorable, it’s really catchy despite being repetitive. It’s upbeat and matches the energy of the game, an added plus given the core objective’s to collect 6 golden coins and reclaim your castle from Wario. It also subvert my personal disdain for a motif being the majority of the in-level music by not only varying it, but also being that catchy. If you don’t believe me, have a listen.

Finally, I like how fun it is. Whether it’s travelling through pipes without loading screens, or appreciating each world’s unique level design, it’s an enjoyable experience all-around. It’s enough to make me forget, however briefly, about its most-glaring flaw, one that sours the experience. Speaking of, I should probably discuss it now. You ready?

Getting a Game Over wipes your progress.

I’m serious. Imagine you’ve gotten really far, only to lose to a boss too many times and get a Game Over. While most games would continue where you left off, Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins not only wipes your collected coins, it makes you replay the levels you’ve beaten. I’m sure this isn’t an issue for most people, the game’s not terribly difficult, but considering that I struggle with even easy video games, losing what I’ve acquired prior because of a mistake is my own worst nightmare. It’s the game knowing I’m bad at it, then punishing me for it. Given that I’m prone to repeating the same mistakes over and over, that’s adding insult to injury. I barely made it out of __ Zone without a Game Over, and this game expects me to relive that?!

You know what doesn’t help? It has a save feature, but it’s only in the area you’re currently playing. That’s right, you have a game on the Game Boy with a conditional save state! If that’s not enough to send someone into an instant rage, then I question their patience. Because it actively infuriates me whenever I get a Game Over, which happens a lot!

Let’s use the following comparison: say you’re working on an assignment for someone. You pour your heart into it, and you write something respectable. Now, say you hand it in to said person, and, after looking it over, said person throws it into the fireplace and wipes your hard-drive clear of everything but the title. They then demand you write it again. How would you feel?

If you said “infuriated”, congrats: you know how getting a Game Over in Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins makes me feel. I know the Switch port on NSO has a rewind feature, but guess what? That only half-solves the problem. It might create a backup save, but it doesn’t stop me from getting a Game Over. Besides, I shouldn’t need to rely on a cheat to remedy a 32 year-old game’s glaring flaw. This should’ve already been avoidable in 1992!

Where was I? Oh yeah, ever have a classic video game that-I’m kidding, I’m not writing all of that again. But it speaks to how two-minded I am about this game, especially since everything else is amazing: it controls well. It plays well. It’s fun. It has catchy music. It’s impressive to look at. Still, none of that matters if, at the end of the day, I can’t actually beat it.

Actually, here’s a compromise: if the game ever gets a remake, it can keep every game mechanic except that one. Nintendo can even put in a harder mode, one more like the original! But if it dares releasing it without a proper save mechanic, then I’m not touching it with a 10-foot pole. I have enough trouble with the original as is!

While I love Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins, I don’t love that it fails to impress in a key area. Call it lame to shed light on that, but I don’t care. If a game from 1992, on a system that has the capabilities, refuses to properly save my progress when I get a Game Over, guess what? That’s bad game design. And it ruins the experience in my mind. You can disagree all you want, but I dare you to explain why I’m wrong. Try!

RIP Akira Toriyama

On March 1st, 2024, legendary Manga artist Akira Toriyama passed away.

I was debating whether or not to write something. Despite growing up on a healthy diet of Dragon Ball Z, I have no attachment to the franchise now. The show was overlong, poorly-paced and repetitive. And that’s only its most famous entry! However, it’d be a disservice to Toriyama’s legacy to end there.

Akira Toriyama, like Osamu Tezuka, was ahead of his time. Coming into Japanese comics around its boom, Toriyama imbued panache in his drawings. I’m not a big fan of Manga Iconography, I think it’s the equivalent of overacting, but Toriyama made it work because his characters were larger than life. This was especially true in making Saiyans human-like superheroes with names based on vegetables. Essentially, he made healthy foods cool.

This panache was prevalent in how Saiyans fought. They could attack in midair, they shouted over-the-top catchphrases, they even could power-up and turn into giant gorillas. Saiyans were powerful and terrifying, yet you couldn’t help loving them. Especially since they had a code of ethics, one they stuck to. Not many villainous races prior were known for that.

That aside, there was something unique about how the shows were structured that made them exciting as a kid. The arcs were long and overdrawn, but they were still entertaining. The pacing of each episode was exaggerated, with several minutes of content stretching to full length, but it was cool. It kept me wanting more, and that was complimented by the narration at the beginning and end of each episode. It made me feel like time hadn’t passed if I consistently watched episodes, yet out of the loop if I missed one or two for whatever reason.

There was also something charming about watching testosterone-laden supermen duking it out. Every punch was cathartic. Every scream echoed through my ears. Even every victory or loss was carefully constructed to feel like a big deal. It might’ve been “mindless junk food”, but I didn’t really care.

Yet stopping there would do Toriyama a disservice. Not only was he responsible for artwork outside of the Dragon Ball franchise, including Chrono Trigger on The SNES/Super Famicom, he also influenced many fans and animators. Even future Shonen like One Piece, Naruto and Bleach owe a debt to what Toriyama began in the 80’s and 90’s. I’d venture that Fullmetal Alchemist, my favourite action anime after Wolf’s Rain, wouldn’t have been as popular without coasting off of Toriyama’s imprint.

Another area that set Toriyama’s Shonen apart from his contemporaries was that, being serialized, the cast of the Dragon Ball franchise was allowed to age. Goku started off as a little boy in Dragon Ball, grew up and fathered two sons in Dragon Ball Z and became a grandfather in Dragon Ball GT. Even with the latter retconned entirely in Dragon Ball Super, that didn’t change. If anything, it reemphasized the importance of not remaining stuck in a time loop, something some contemporary Shonen could learn from. (I’m looking at you, Pokémon!)

Really though, it’s this mark of Toriyama that transcends his most important work’s quality. Was the Dragon Ball series “good”? That remains in the eye of the beholder, but it’s irrelevant. Like it or not, it was the introduction to anime for many people, and it helped pave the way for other shows. Even in North America, where it caught on like it was going out of style, the various dubs and re-dubs made for interesting debates and memes online. Who could forget the infamous, “It’s over 9000!” translation error that became a running joke?

Therein lies the secret. A few years back I wrote an obituary about Isao Takahata. In it, I mentioned that while I wasn’t the biggest fan of his body of work, I nevertheless respected the impact he made. The same can be said of Akira Toriyama, perhaps even more so. Because while I might not currently connect with his work, I recognize it as important. Like Osamu Tezuka, he left an indelible mark on anime and Manga, one that may not be matched in the near future.

Life’s short and challenging, with many talented individuals dying early. Whether it’s Robin Williams, Fred Rogers or Stan Lee, the reality is that celebrities can have an impact on people, sometimes even through cultural osmosis. Akira Toriyama was one such a person, and his loss is felt more in The West than in Japan. That’s the kind of artist he was, irrespective of his work’s quality. It’s a legacy many people worldwide can’t achieve in their dreams, let alone reality!

Here's to you, Toriyama-san! And here’s to the endless inspiration your work has left on thousands of artists. 68 might be “too early”, but never forget the impact you left on so many people. You’ll definitely be missed, even by someone as stingy as myself!