Donkey Kong Woes

I’m going to be upfront: I’m hesitant to play Donkey Kong 64 on NSO.

It’s not because the port has problems. Or because it’s “bad”. Or because I think it “sucks”. No, it’s none of that. Rather, I have mixed feelings about the game stemming back to childhood, and I’m afraid that’ll cloud my enjoyment.

I’m not great at video games. Period. I’ve written extensively about that before, so I won’t rehash why. But that struggle is especially true with older games, as they artificially ramped up their difficulty to extend their run-times and work within technical limitations. Rare was notorious for their games being particularly brutal, such that I’ve only beaten Donkey Kong Country and GoldenEye 007. Rare liked giving players a run for their money, and Donkey Kong 64 was no exception.

But whatever, “Rare makes hard games” isn’t a revelation. Nor is it an automatic red flag. I’ve played many hard games, and I’ve even beaten some. I’ve also played several of Rare’s classic titles, even if I haven’t beaten them. Donkey Kong 64 being difficult isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker.

The game’s tedium, however, is. For one, it’s notorious for being an obnoxious collect-a-thon. Many platformers prioritize collecting items, but this specific one does so mercilessly. Specifically, it requires you to switch to a specific Kong, open a new area with collectibles, backtrack and switch to another Kong, collect those collectibles, then backtrack again and switch to the first Kong. So many of the challenges and collectibles, most of which are required, can’t be collected without specific Kongs in specific locations, which adds to the frustration. I understand Rare wanted to get proper mileage out of each Kong, but was this the way to do it?

If that’s not bad enough, some of the challenges are poorly-designed. I don’t have to tell you about “Beaver Bother”, and how I’m positive the developers didn’t properly beta test it, but it goes further than that. There are sections, particularly later on, where it gets dark and you can’t see anything. I know people complain about modern lighting being too dark, but this game released in 1999. It’s not like this is a new experience.

True, you can say this was to hide design limitations, especially with something so ambitious. I don’t buy that considering Super Mario 64 managed without being too dimly lit. (Granted, it had other limitations.) This may have been massive for 1999, especially on a Nintendo 64 cartridge that required an expansion pack, but that doesn’t excuse being unable to finish an objective because you can’t see. I don’t have the patience for that, especially nowadays!

It’s a problem because this makes the experience less enjoyable. It’s already a difficult game without the lighting issues, and it doesn’t stop there! Between that, the tedious backtracking and the design limitations, it feels like Donkey Kong 64 might’ve been too ambitious. Either that, or it needed more time in development. I know Rare had a deadline to meet, but couldn’t they have asked for more time? Rushing it out isn’t the answer.

I’m annoyed because I remember enjoying this game’s multiplayer mode, which was the main game meets the multiplayer from GoldenEye 007. Unfortunately, you need to go through the main game to access it, which is hampered by what I’ve mentioned above. Not being able to play multiplayer right away is a missed opportunity, one that could’ve demonstrated, yet again, that no one did multiplayer in the 90s like Rare. But it’s too late to fix that, right? Moving on.

Perhaps the biggest issue, and one I remember well, is that several challenges are time-based. To be fair, you can go back and retry them if you fail, sometimes without penalty. But these time limits frequently feel too short or cheap, and the game’s tendency to repeat challenges beat-for-beat makes them a nightmare. (Did Angry Aztec need a doomsday clock for 5 Golden Bananas, one where the objective is to avoid being shot? Seriously?!)

I could go on about this game’s flaws. I could mention the limited use of DK’s animal buddies. Or how the arcade games, both of which you have to complete, are relentlessly difficult. Or how Hideout Helm, the final level, is a race against a timer that can only be extended by taking blueprints to Snidely. Or even how the game’s sexual and bodily humour has aged terribly. However, all of this would make me feel guilty discussing if weren’t for one problem:

Donkey Kong Bananza released last year.

Sure, it might not be fair to compare the games. Especially since they were made with different hardware limitations. But I can’t help it! There are many aspects of Donkey Kong Bananza I love, and one I don’t, but chief among them is the game’s collectibles being so streamlined that they aren’t even necessary. You don’t have to collect all of the game’s Banandium Gems. I don’t think you need to collect them at all, they’re simply a fun bonus! But that they’re largely secondary to the main objective means that the pressure to collect them is almost non-existent. I can’t say that about Donkey Kong 64, where most of its collectibles, the Golden Bananas specifically, are required.

That’s my biggest frustration, and it still haunts me 27 years later. And look, I know Rare makes their games like this on purpose. All of their N64 titles, even Diddy Kong Racing, are designed to be challenging, and this is no different. But hindsight’s 20/20, and a free-roaming platformer like this deserved better. Perhaps an in-game difficulty tier would’ve worked, one where the easiest setting fixed my design gripes and the hardest didn’t? If Donkey Kong Country 3 could get away with difficulty settings, why couldn’t Donkey Kong 64?

I know I’m crying over spoiled milk, as the game’s been around for almost 3 decades. It’s also not even like there aren’t aspects of the game that aren’t fun, as there are. I especially like “The DK Rap”, as it introduces this game’s setting and characters in a fun way. But the parts that terrify me outweigh the enjoyment I remember having. And since I don’t have infinite time or patience for video games, that doesn’t scream confidence.

Maybe I’m being too harsh, letting my biases cloud my judgement. I don’t know. It’s also possible that I might prove my concerns wrong when I gather the courage to sit down and play the game again. However, for now I remain cautious of Donkey Kong 64 on NSO. You can call that cowardice, but I don’t care. My time, and my energy, is too precious to not be guarded. If that’s cowardly, then so be it!