Anyway, I probably should’ve waited until November to write this, as that’s this site’s actual anniversary. However, given that I wanted to celebrate my 35th birthday with a bit of reflecting, I figured that now was as good as ever to do so. So let’s reflect. And I mean some genuine introspection. Be prepared for some tough revelations!
I should start by following up on a point that I made 5 years ago: how 20 year-old me would be really disappointed in the path that I’ve chosen since then. I say this because I was hoping to be independent and married with children by now, and neither of those realities have come to fruition. I also say this because 20 year-old me was, and forgive me for being so blunt, a bit of a douchebag. He was constantly picking fights with people as a way of compensating for undiagnosed mental health issues, and he wasn’t happy. 35 year-old me still isn’t 100% satisfied, but at least he has some sort of internal purpose.
To that end, 26 year-old me wouldn’t be happy either. He was hoping to be a celebrated author by the time he hit 30, and that’s yet to happen. That’s not to say that I haven’t been published since then, I have, but it’s not the kind of publishing that he would’ve liked. No, he’d have liked for a book or three to have circulated, and that hasn’t happened yet. I guess, in hindsight, that’s still a bit of a regret.
But that’s okay, truthfully. Because while I’m not on any New York Times Best-Seller lists right now, I’ve come to accept that being overambitious isn’t good for me mentally. I’ve had to take life slowly, and that includes writing. It also includes not biting off more than I can chew, something that I’ve had to learn the hard way on several occasions. Go figure!
Another bitter reality that I’ve had to learn to accept is that people are often not nice, despite putting on the veneer of being nice. It’s a reality that’s only become more apparent in the decade since I started The Whitly-Verse, especially with political nonsense making it okay to say what you want without much ramification. I won’t act like there wasn’t always an undercurrent of douche-y behaviour before that, especially outside of my bubble, but people at least largely tried bottling it. If Trumpism and October 7th, 2023 have taught me anything, it’s that that’s not true anymore. And it’s been genuinely upsetting on a personal level.
That said, I’ve also had to recognize the kindness that’s been on display to counter that. Whether it’s macrocosmic or microcosmic, people have genuinely shown compassion in unexpected ways. They’ve also helped me to show compassion to myself, learning to forgive myself for the undue harshness that 20 year-old and 26 year-old me wouldn’t have been able to forgive. They say that self-love is the most important kind to have, so I guess you can consider that a step in the right direction for me. Thank you to everyone for that valuable lesson.
It's all the more that they’ve taught it, as I’ve discovered that some of my heroes aren’t such great people. I’ve written extensively about it as well, and I’m sure I’ve only begun to scrape the tip of the iceberg on that. In some ways, I guess The Whitly-Verse has served as a personal diary to vent about these frustrating revelations, showing how I’m constantly evolving. Perhaps, in a weird way, this is my novel unfolding in real time? I don’t know.
I realize that I’m getting too esoteric here. Um…my personal relationship to God has changed a lot since my 20’s? I’m not as fervently zealous about my Judaism as I was 10 years ago, even though I understand what I believe more intrinsically. I’ve occasionally wondered why I still believe at all, given what I know about the world at large, but then I’ve caught myself by remembering that humans were given free will. If they wish to screw up their own lives and the lives of those around them, that’s their problem, not God’s. It’s no different than a parent relationship with their adult child, especially when the latter has agency.
Besides, knowing that it’s not inherently God’s fault that people suck has made it easier for me to accept when people misbehave. War? That’s an invention of man. Poverty? That’s a byproduct of man’s neglect for one another. Destruction of the planet’s natural resources? What about it can’t be ascribed to humanity’s negligence?
That’s really what’s at stake here. It’s high-time that we learn to get along, as opposed to divide and conquer, and that’s something I’ve come to appreciate as I’ve gotten older. It’s also tiring to see people make the same mistakes over and over again, but accountability’s important. You can only blame others so many times before it gets tiresome, after all. Especially when accountability’s an important facet of maturity.
I guess it took a global pandemic to put life into perspective for me, didn’t it? But I’m starting to ramble here on my 35th birthday, so I’ll try wrapping everything up. Basically, I’ve learned a lot, and not always by choice, and that’s okay! Because I’m human! And I’ll continue to learn hard life lessons for as long as I keep living, which is also okay! If that’s a problem, then I’d rather not be part of the solution.
Anyway, that’s about it for me. Keep on trucking along for now, and I’ll see you next time!
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